The Fixer Upper

I tried to make a mask out of the garbage life gave me

I tried to.

I tried to put on a mask, and valiantly show the world how strong I am 

Hiding behind the loudness and trombone like way that I have 

I really am quite dramatic that way, you know.

I tried 

I tried to mask my pain 

Show it less 

Show them I’m strong and wise 

That he never hurt me 

I hid behind thinking it was my fault 

That he had every right to act as tho emotions were not something he could own or

Swallow at all, 

If only emotions were the whiskey he drinks or the cigarettes he smokes 

Maybe he could have loved me 

But he did not 

He never did 

I loved him once

And I tried to hide behind this shallow veneer of toughness 

And dirty jokes 

Thinking no one could hurt me 

Not like the other one did

That one I had to leave, you see

I have this habit 

Of picking up stray lovers

Like poor lonely cats in my trailer park 

Thinking I can fix them or 

Save them 

How narcissistic. 

I have a problem where I just would like to feel valuable. 

Loved. 

And maybe if I fix you 

Maybe you’ll love me back 

I’ve done this to myself over and over and over again 

And no one ever wants to be fixed. 

Actually, they usually prefer to destroy me a bit first 

Then go on their merry way, and leave my by my lonesome 

With my cats and my tears and 

Frozen pizza. 

Moving on is so easy for them 

And I am left here 

Wondering what I could have done differently 

To make them act 

As though they truly loved me 

It isn’t my fault. You don’t have to tell me, I already know this.

I know the lacking of their love

is not a reflection of me,

but of who they are and what they are on the inside.

And sad though it may be, I must carry on,

knowing that perhaps it was not my love that wasn’t enough,

But the way they feel about themselves.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *