I tried to make a mask out of the garbage life gave me
I tried to.
I tried to put on a mask, and valiantly show the world how strong I am
Hiding behind the loudness and trombone like way that I have
I really am quite dramatic that way, you know.
I tried
I tried to mask my pain
Show it less
Show them I’m strong and wise
That he never hurt me
I hid behind thinking it was my fault
That he had every right to act as tho emotions were not something he could own or
Swallow at all,
If only emotions were the whiskey he drinks or the cigarettes he smokes
Maybe he could have loved me
But he did not
He never did
I loved him once
And I tried to hide behind this shallow veneer of toughness
And dirty jokes
Thinking no one could hurt me
Not like the other one did
That one I had to leave, you see
I have this habit
Of picking up stray lovers
Like poor lonely cats in my trailer park
Thinking I can fix them or
Save them
How narcissistic.
I have a problem where I just would like to feel valuable.
Loved.
And maybe if I fix you
Maybe you’ll love me back
I’ve done this to myself over and over and over again
And no one ever wants to be fixed.
Actually, they usually prefer to destroy me a bit first
Then go on their merry way, and leave my by my lonesome
With my cats and my tears and
Frozen pizza.
Moving on is so easy for them
And I am left here
Wondering what I could have done differently
To make them act
As though they truly loved me
It isn’t my fault. You don’t have to tell me, I already know this.
I know the lacking of their love
is not a reflection of me,
but of who they are and what they are on the inside.
And sad though it may be, I must carry on,
knowing that perhaps it was not my love that wasn’t enough,
But the way they feel about themselves.
