Safety as a feeling

“Rising in power”, watercolor and acrylic on paper

When a person has been through trauma, safety is often a word that signifies the need to fight for such.
Meaning, that when you have been through trauma, the feeling of safety is one that you must fight tooth and nail for.

Peace is something you must fight for.

Safety.

It is a word that many take for granted. But for a person who has been through abuse and trauma, safety signifies something to fight for.

Safety. 

For a person with trauma, feeling safe is perhaps something foreign; something that never comes, or perhaps lasts as long as the narcissist’s love bombing lasts. And so, you begin to age and grow, and think “when is the safety going to end?” 

And you live your life this way, from one to another, wondering if you’ll finally find someone who will provide a safe space for you to love them in, a space where you do not have to be insulted or beaten, controlled or belittled. 

Safety. 

And abuse. Abuse. It almost isn’t even scary anymore to the person who has survived abuse. 

What is scary is meeting someone who sees you for who you are and actually accepts you, and let’s you feel safe in their arms, safe in the way they care for you. The laughter and cigarettes fill the air, with the sounds of random Netflix documentaries and crime drama air in the background. 

You want to go on the defensive. It’s too good to be true. They must want something. You can’t actually want me.  They want something from me. That’s gotta be it. 

All the others, they wanted something. 

The latin girl fetish or  my figure, my money or my social media notoriety. 

But

But 

But this person 

This person does not want those things. 

This person is a safe place. A safe place with no agenda. How frightening. I have never felt this: this unconditional attraction, not for what I can offer them but for who I am. 

Wait. 

Really? 

You really wanna deal with the fact that I feed stray cats, give random homeless people money or food, tell endless stories about my past adventures, and my ever growing collection of owls? 

Wow. 

Safety. 

Safety is word that has been foreign to me. 

But I will let my guard down. 

Maybe it is okay to be soft now. 

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