That title was a bit harsh.

Today is January 1, 2022. It’s a new year. In retrospect, 2021 add a very good start but ended quite poorly to be honest. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil this year. 

In retrospect, I do realize that a lot of the turmoil that I went through was perhaps self inflicted in a way. Oh it isn’t that I hurt myself in any kind of way. But the truth is, I have learned importance of discerning who it is that I let into my life and into my heart and who I do not. These are lessons that were never talk to me.

No one taught me to discern a good person from a person who simply means to take it vantage of you and your kindness. This is something that I wish I’d learned much earlier in my life. I do believe though, that a lot of the hurt and the turmoil that I went through, has more to do with believing and trusting and not loving myself enough. lol Perhaps if I would’ve loved myself enough, I would’ve known that Samuel was a liar. Perhaps if I loved myself enough I would have cut him off from the very beginning. But life is not about regret. Not to me anyway. To me, life is simply about being happy.

Many times as we age and we get older we think that we are supposed to be in some certain place in our life at some age. Meaning, that we believe that perhaps at 40 we should have a mortgage and $100,000 in debt, and the beautiful brand-name façade of happiness sponsored by Gucci. I do not see life this way. I did at one point in my life. But to me, none of those things are what make you happy. I thought for a long time that I could find happiness in someone else. In friends, in lovers, and a husband and even my children. It wasn’t until it was all taken away but I realized only I can make me happy. And I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy the quiet moments with my cat and my art supplies that are sometimes forlorn and forgotten. I enjoy the peace and the solitude that comes from being alone. I learn to enjoy it because I truly did dance with Satan in 2021. It wasn’t just that Samuel lied to me or left me for another while telling me he was leaving me because of my insecurities, really it was the fact that he thought I was stupid enough to believe his lies.
There is nothing worse than a man making a woman fall in love with him just so he can destroy her. And that is what he did. He made me fall in love with him just so he could walk away. Just so he could feel better in his own ego and his receding hairline. I don’t know which is worse: being lied to, or being lied to by a man with a receding hairline.

But enough about that. I went through an emotional tower moment in 2021. You see, I don’t let just anyone in my life. But I let him in. I let Vittoria Curl in my life. I let Tiffany in my life. And I let Sarafina in my life. And all of them betrayed me. What’s interesting about betrayal, is that often the person who is betrayed is often called toxic. It’s interesting that when a narcissist doesn’t want to hold responsibility for their actions, they simply call you toxic and tell everyone that you’re crazy or mentally unstable. Maybe I am mentally unstable, but I am not a liar. And I have never betrayed anyone in my life and I don’t think I ever want to. To me, betrayal is a form of lying and I am not a liar.

So all of this betrayal was good in away. It made me realize I am truly much happier the fuck by myself. I like my own company. I enjoy making myself a cocktail, watching the L word, or Supernatural, or charmed, and crocheting or painting while my cat sits on my lap. I enjoy working hard and having a paycheck that every once in a while I can do things like get a tattoo, or take a trip somewhere.

A lot of very hurtful things happened in 2021. As some of you may know, my beloved cat Oswald passed away. To be honest, when he passed away, it felt like my entire world crashed. That was when I realized that my time in Ohio was done. I could’ve never left Ohio while I Oswald was alive.

He hated cars, and only had about 10 minutes in a car before he would become a hot mess. So I knew when he passed that my time in Ohio was over. That was the end of that chapter.

This is Maleficent. My studio kitten.

And so in October I moved to the Lehigh Valley area of Pennsylvania. And I did this because I felt that this is where I was needed in someway or another. 

2021 was a year that was difficult for many but especially for me because I experienced a lot of loss all in about three or four months. And somehow, or for whatever reason, I am still here.
The amount of loss that I experienced in 2021 would’ve sent anyone to the insane asylum. Vittoria Curl was a sister to me. As well as Sarafina. And Tiffany. I lost my chosen family. Interestingly enough, even though they were the ones who betrayed me, if I asked, they would likely tell you that I am the toxic one. There is an interesting saying that my mother would say right now in Spanish. Loosely translated, it basically means you can sell things better in reverse Ha? Which is obviously sarcastic. I am not here to out anyone or two rehash what it is that they did. I’m grateful for their betrayal. I am grateful for the tears. Because it taught me to embrace my solitude. It taught me to embrace my self and my own company. And so I have decided that I will make this a good year. I will make this a good year because I am not giving up on myself. I think when we let the wrong people in our lives we give up on ourselves. The truth is all these friends that I thought were my chosen family were probably people who I should never have associated with in the first place. 

Sometimes we let the wrong people in because we’re so lonely.  

There are some people that swear they love themselves. There are people who say that yet go out every single night, abuse drugs, and lie to themselves. It is quite sad to watch. There are people out there who go out almost every single night desperately seeking the approval of others. Desperately seeking attention from the opposite sex. Desperately seeking some thing and other people that they need to first find within themselves. Denial and loneliness are two very sadly powerful things. 

I can recognize the signs because I was that person. So now I see it, and it is so odious to watch. It is absolutely nauseating when you hear someone speak such hubris stating that they do love themselves yet do not act very kindly to their body and what they put in it. Oh trust me, I’m no angel. I am not perfect by any means. But I’ll admit that I am a work in progress and never would I attempt to act as though I am flawless or perfect. No. People who do that are narcissistic.

Loving yourself is liking your own company. If you like your own company there is no need to be constantly going out every single night as if there is a contest or as if the world is ending. When you love yourself, you like your own company and you can be home because you enjoy your own company. But when you do not love yourself you have to go out all the time you have to have attention from other people. You have to have approval from other people you have to show the world that you’re a good person because you don’t love yourself enough to believe it. This year,  I am done with letting the wrong people into my life and my heart. 

I will use discernment. 

I will allow myself to say no. 

I will say yes to myself. 

I will love myself. 

I will be good to my body and my mind. 

And I will never let anyone ruin my life and reputation ever again. 

Happy New Year from me to you.